You'll Never Get To Be With This Version of Yourself Again

I've just got back from a holiday in Mykonos. It was my first holiday in two years and so special to me because two years ago, whilst unable to see in the intensive care unit of Charing Cross Hospital, I didn't believe I'd ever get to live 'normally' again. There was so much that I couldn't do following my brain surgery and cerebellar stroke, and the journey to learn it all again seemed impossible and unbearably long.

And even though part of me was incredibly grateful that I was now excitedly packing to go abroad and be with friends, fresh food and gorgeous scenery, the other part of me was completely anxious at all the new people I was going to be around for my best friend's hen party. 

What will they think of my face? What if they pity and wonder what happened to me? What if my wobbly eyesight means I can't enjoy myself, or drink, or stand for as long as they do? What if I can't handle the nights out the girls have planned, or participate in activities with them?

So many questions ran through my mind. My physical abilities have improved so much, including my strength to walk, balance and use my right arm. But regardless, I still felt nervous at the thought of my visible difference and visual impairment, and was deeply worried about how those deficits would affect my ability to fully enjoy myself.

But whilst on the plane, I listened to a Jay Shetty podcast episode with Rachel Hollis. In it she said:

You'll never get to be with this version of yourself again. 

I found it so beautiful and had the absolute holiday of a lifetime because of it. I didn’t overthink about the future, or concern myself with the thoughts of others. I just truly enjoyed who I was in the moment.

I held on to those words when I panted so hard in an effort to become a runner; reminding myself to embrace the struggle as I surely wouldn’t find it as challenging the next time.

You'll never get to be with this version of yourself again. 

I held on to those words when I danced and sang with people I'd never met before, reducing the self-conscious fears and doubts I'd been holding on to for so long.

You'll never get to be with this version of yourself again.

And, I ultimately held on to those words whenever I was met with something new, be it a person, experience or something else. Because of those little words, I was able to let go of the person I'd shrunk myself to become post-surgery.

Those words were a constant reminder to me that the thoughts, emotions, desires and insecurities that we hold today will soon be lessened or replaced, so just appreciate the version you are in this moment because you’ll never be with this person again 💛

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