I heard an idea the other day that kind of stopped me in my tracks. It’s the idea that when we miss a person or a place, we’re usually mostly missing the version of ourselves that we were able to be during that time. It actually isn’t really even about the person or place itself, but the longing is for who we were and who we existed as back then.
If you think about it, there are probably certain people you love being around. People who bring out a really carefree, happy and fun side of you. And we’re different around different people. The version of you around your closest, oldest friend is probably very different to the person you feel you are when you’re around your boss.
And the point to all of this, which kind of helped me reframe it all, is that we tend to place huge value on what we’ve lost — a person, a place, a thing. But when we realise that we are mostly missing the side of us that was brought out during those times, we can see that external things and people don't own our magic. We do.
If a person or place brought out qualities such as confidence, ease or peace, then they didn’t create those qualities but rather unlocked what was already within us. In terms of resilience, a sudden change can take away the setting, but it can’t ever take away our capacity to feel that way again.
If you’re currently missing an ex, an old friend or a past city, try to figure out what that old environment or relationship gave you. Maybe you felt adventurous, understood or more like yourself. Then think about how you can bring that feeling back into your life, perhaps by trying something new, visiting a new place or spending time with people who bring out that side of you.
How to reconnect with the version of yourself you miss
1. Name the ghost: Pinpoint exactly who or what you miss. Write down three specific words that describe how you felt when you were with them (e.g. carefree, creative, safe).
2. Separate the feeling from the trigger: Accept that the person or place is in the past, but that the three feelings you wrote down are yours to keep and recreate. Disconnect the emotion from the source.
3. Build a current micro-dose: Find one small way to inject that feeling into your life this week. If an old city made you feel adventurous, maybe take a new route to work or visit a new coffee shop. If an old friend made you feel heard, maybe start journaling or call someone who is a great listener.
4. Audit your current circle: Look at the people and places currently occupying your time. Ask yourself, “What version of myself is this environment allowing to exist?” If it’s a stressed, anxious or muted version, it might be time to reassess your boundaries.
How resilience helps us let go of the past and embrace Change
The biggest perspective shift this realisation has given me is that when we fear change, it’s often because we assume we need someone or something else to give us a certain feeling. And without them, we imagine we will feel empty or lacking, or that life won't be the same.
But the truth is, you can carry forward the qualities you discovered in yourself, even when the circumstances that helped you discover them have changed.
When a relationship ends or a chapter closes, people panic because they think, “I will never feel that way again.” But resilience is the realisation that the feeling didn't belong entirely to that person or environment; the environment helped bring out something that was already within you.
1. You change your perspective on what you've lost
If you view a breakup or move as losing a piece of yourself, change will always be scary because you'll forever resist it. But when you realise that a relationship, friendship or place simply revealed your own capacity to feel certain things, like laughter, love or security, it becomes an addition to who you are. You get to hold on to that discovery, even when the chapter itself has ended.
2. You become an active creator of your life
If you believe a city or person made you adventurous or creative, you might stay trapped in nostalgia, wishing you could go back or longing for the life you had. But when you realise you were the one being adventurous, feeling loved or expressing your creativity, you can start creating opportunities for those feelings in your life now.
You don't need to recreate the past exactly to reconnect with the parts of yourself you loved. Sometimes, you just need to give them a new place to exist.
3. You learn to trust your ability to adapt
Resilience isn't about trying desperately to keep your life exactly the same so that you never get hurt. It's knowing that no matter what happens along the way — who stays, who leaves or where you end up — you can learn to adapt, rebuild and find new ways to experience confidence, happiness and peace.
That doesn't mean you won't grieve what you've lost, or that you should rush to replace it. Some people and places really are special, and it's okay to miss them. But missing something doesn't mean you can only ever feel that way again if you get it back.
The takeaway?
The next time you find yourself missing an old relationship, a past city or a version of your life that no longer exists, try asking yourself a different question.
Instead of “How do I get that back?”, ask yourself, “What did that experience bring out in me, and how can I make space for that part of myself now?”
Maybe it was your confidence. Your sense of adventure. Your ability to laugh more freely, feel safe or simply be yourself.
Resilience isn't about never missing what you've lost. It's about learning that you can carry the best parts of those experiences forward, even when life looks completely different.
You might not be able to return to the person you were or the place you called home. But you can take what those experiences taught you about yourself and use it to build a life that feels like you again.
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