Feel What You Need to and Let It Pass
I haven’t written a personal blog for quite a few months as I honestly haven’t known what to say. Life has been a complete whirlwind and I’ve felt massively uninspired for the longest time now, completely losing what I felt was my positivity mojo.
After almost two years of feeling very unaffected by everything, the quieter time I gave myself the last few months just made it apparent how distracted I’d kept myself until now and suddenly anger, grief, acceptance and a whole host of other emotions I hadn’t prepared for caught up with me.
I felt a complete fraud at the thought of posting ‘positive things’ when in reality I’d just totally fallen apart, and to be honest am still picking up the pieces from that. And I didn’t feel deserving of the ‘inspiring’ and ‘brave’ titles I’m so often given.
The truth is, I’ve reached a place where I’m so overwhelmed at the reality of my symptoms - the constant spinning of the world, the fact there’s once again two of every object, the discomfort I experience whenever my right arm and leg are overused, losing the ability to smile and show emotions, being inundated with medical appointments again and returning to sick leave from work as my current visual problems just make it impossible to concentrate on the screen for long chunks at a time.
I’m reaching the two year mark post brain surgery and feel like my recovery is actually going backwards as I once again await two further surgeries; one to alleviate the double vision and one to remedy the severe dry eye and pain I experience daily from the fact my right eye doesn’t close fully or blink.
I’m constantly told to be patient and wait it out but have very much reached the point recently of fearing I can’t actually do that. Some days I don’t feel strong enough at all to press on and struggle through symptoms that are so debilitating to every area of my life, and ones that are mostly invisible to others meaning the severity often isn’t understood. Other days I’m aware that this is the advice I would 100% give to anyone else in my position; there’s no changing the outcome and so you need to do the best you can with what you’ve got.
I just feel an element of grief I never fully let myself feel before, grieving and letting go of the loss of my former self almost. Everything I envisioned for my life has been very much stripped away and I’m now left questioning the long-term effect on my career, relationships and even area code whilst accepting I have a permanent visual impairment and certain health factors to forever consider.
I guess I’ve just felt the need to be completely transparent with my current situation in order to remove the barrier I created with writing posts and building a positivity platform. I think I confused ‘inspiring’ with being perceived as positive no matter what, when in fact I’ve been reminded that it’s actually because those closest to me know that I power through regardless of how much I struggle with daily physical symptoms.
The truest thing I ever read was a snippet from Katie Piper’s new affirmation book:
“Sometimes I worry that the whole ‘positivity movement’ has actually ended up causing people damage. We can be so obsessed with ‘staying positive’ that we deprive ourselves of our natural emotions. If you’re having a low day, know that you’re allowed to feel that way and let it pass, you don’t have to force yourself into positivity.”
It’s a beautiful reminder that there really is no such thing as positive everyday. Life comes in waves and our emotions will be unpredictable, just like our circumstances. Feel whatever you need to and let it pass. Remember that it’s normal to experience all emotions.
Sending you lots of love,